This blog...

...is on an extended hiatus.

Dog and ball

Jez is a friend of cousin Martin, who's father to my goddaughters*, Charlotte and Isabelle, who're both aged seven.

Recently, Jez took his dog to the vet, who noticed the dog had only one testicle.

Didn't you know, asked the vet.

I don't spend much time inspecting my dog's genitals, replied Jez, who told this story to Martin, who related it to his kids.

Does that mean the dog's a lesbian, asked Charlotte.

*I'm enthusiastically athesist, but... well, it's a long-ish, dull-ish tale.

The bottom line

It's Saturday morning at Laurence and Mia's house.

The previous evening began with sophisticated wine including Journey's End Cabernet Sauvignon 2005, and it ended with five of us working hard to massively inflate JP Chenet's share price.

We're all so hungover that even our auras are dry-mouthed and stinking of stale red plonk.

As we mill around the living room, Laurence pats me on the backside in a friendly manner, like a sportsman congratulating a team mate. I barely notice.

His eyebrows lift and he pats again. And again. Except, it's more of a fondle - and I definitely notice.

"That's a surprisingly nice arse," he opines. "Hasn't he got a nice arse, your husband," he says to Emma, all the while slapping gently at my cheeks with a slightly cupped palm.

I take a step back, out of reach of my mate's hand.

"I dunno what to say," I grunt. "I've never had a man tell me that before."

Laurence lets out a little laugh. "I've never said that to a man before," he says.

"Well," I say, "it's been a new experience for the both of us, then."

Capital tunes!

The project: compile a playlist of top London-centric tunes.

The rules: 20 songs had to be about the capital city or mention it in some way, they had to be on my iPod*, and each artist could only appear once.

The result:

1. Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
2. I Love London (In Flagrante Vintage Mix) - Crystal Fighters
3. London's Burning - The Clash**
4. Do the Strand - Roxy Music
5. Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty
6. London Loves - Blur
7. Signs - Snoop Dogg feat. Charlie Wilson and Justin Timberlake
8. Lola - The Kinks
9. London Town - Light of the World
   
10. Itchycoo Park - Small Faces
11. Man Out of Time - Elvis Costello and the Attractions
12. London Town (Foamo Remix) - Man Like Me
13. Cool for Cats - Squeeze
14. Old Smokey - Linda Lewis
15. Chelsea Girl - Ride
16. Strange Town - The Jam
17. My Old Man - Ian Dury
18. Sticks 'n' Stones - Jamie T
19. Charlotte Street - Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
20. You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones

* Underworld's Born Slippy and London by The Smiths would've made the list were they not, inexplicably, missing from my MP3 player.
**This should be White Man (in Hammersmith Palais), but that track is another bewildering omission, iPod-wise.

Sole man

I couldn't sleep last night, so I tried counting shoes.

I mentally totted up the footwear I own. (Hey! It was late, and I was willing to try any silly bollocks to get some kip.)

For a fat, ugly bastard with no fashion sense, I sure gotta lotta sole:

• Trainers - 10 pairs
• Flip-flops - 4 pairs
• Smart shoes - 3 pairs
• Chelsea boots - 2 pairs
• Sandals - 2 pairs
• Worker boots - 1 pair
• Running shoes - 1 pair
• Wellies - 1 pair
  

Total - 24 pairs. (No, I don't feel like a girl.)

Albums of 2009

I was still buying 'em after Christmas, so I wasn't able to compile this nerdy list earlier. Even now, it's kinda vague.

Brilliant
Dark Touches – Har Mar Superstar
La Roux – La Roux
Post-Nothing – Japandroids

Very Good
Ciao! – Tiga
Cossus Snufsigalonica – Fear of Tigers
Duke Pandemonium – Marmaduke Duke
Fever Ray – Fever Ray
Heart On – Eagles of Death Metal
It's Blitz! – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Good
Born Like This – Doom
The Invisible – The Invisible
Kingdom of Rust – Doves
Kings and Queens - Jamie T
Sainthood – Tegan & Sara
Truelove's Gutter – Richard Hawley
Two Suns – Bat for Lashes
The xx - The xx

Not bad
Horehound – The Dead Weather
Journal for Plague Lovers – Manic Street Preachers
Manners – Passion Pit
Tongue N' Cheek – Dizzee Rascal

Poor
Further Complications – Jarvis Cocker