Hypothetical drummer wanted

Disposable Raygun, the hypothetical pop band of no-hopers of which I'm the leader, are going to need a new drummer.

The original sticks-man, cousin Thomas, aged ten, is planning to form his own combo, The Betters, having received a guitar for Christmas.

Contact me somehow if you'd be interested in pretending to be the tub-thumper for a crappy, non-existent group.

People with talent need not apply.

Best tracks of 2009

They're in no particular order.
The ones in red indicate my ten favourites.
(As usual, all acts appear only once. With one exception.)

• Dead End – Master Shortie
• Karate – Kennedy
• I Love Pop Music – Ben Lee
• (At Your Best) You Are Love – El Perro Del Mar
• 1,000 Cigarettes – MSTRKRFT feat. Freeway
• Tiny Little Robots – Cage the Elephant
• Rich Girls (Le Castle Vania's Spring Break No Parents Remix) – The Virgins
• Everything is Moving So Fast – Great Lake Swimmers
• Fantastadonculous - Fantastadon
• Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
• I Can See the Future – Iran
• BanGer – AC Slater
• I Have Laid in the Darkness – Mazes
• Head Straight (Radio Edit) – Alex Metric
• Goodbye – P.O.S.
• Panic Switch – Silversun Pickups
• Kid Gloves (Electrically Charged Boy Remix) – Marmaduke Duke
• Time Machine – So I’m Jo
• In For The Kill (Skream's Let's Get Ravey Remix) – La Roux
• Boy Crississippi – Boy Crisis
• Rebellious Palpitations – Spinnerette
• Strange Enough (Mr Ozio Remix) – N.A.S.A.
• My Unusual Friend – Fruit Bats
• Starry Eyed (Jakwob Remix) – Ellie Goulding
• (I Used to Couldn’t Dance) Tight Pants – Eagles of Death Metal
• Ask Your Heart (Echo Mix) – My Tiger My Timing
• People Change – Bastian
• Warped Sister – Booker T
• Spaceship – Snob Scrilla
• Angela – Jarvis Cocker
• Zombies! (Hot Pink Delorean Thrillernight Remix) – Designer Drugs
• Young Hearts Spark Fire – Japandroids
• Black Magic (L’Amour la Morgue Edition) – Magic Wands
• Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) – Florence + the Machine
• Mindwarp – Bachelorette
• Winter Hill – Doves
• Lost in the City – Plastique de Reve
• Headlock – Esser
• Rock Star (Understand) – The Young Punx
• Good Beat – Bounce Camp
• Houses – Great Northern
• U R My Girl – Kiss in Cities
• Molotov Cocktail – Galvatrons
• Chaka Demus (Ben Bones Remix) – Jamie T
• Triangle Walks (Tiga’s 1-2-3-4 Remix) – Fever Ray
• I Feel Eternal – Speck Mountain
• 21 – Death Metal Disco Scene
• Always More (Yusek Remix) – Autokratz
• Long Live the Fallen World – Young Galaxies
• OK (Headman Remix) – The Invisible
• London Town (Foamo Remix) – Man Like Me
• Pearl’s Dream – Bat For Lashes
• I Love It (Fred Falke Remix) – Sneaky Sound System
• Game Night – Har Mar Superstar feat. P.O.S. and Adam Green
• Here He Comes (DJ Day Remix) – Tittsworth feat. Nina Sky and Pitbull
• Fabric of Win (Radio Edit) – Joe and Will Ask?
• Blackie’s Dead – Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson
• Can You Hear Me? (DCUPs Horny Mix) – Evermore
• Barcelona (CHEW LiPS Remix) – Plastiscines
• Crystalised – The xx
• Make You Mine (Death Metal Disco Scene Radio Mix) – Miami Horror
• Bonkers – Dizzee Rascal feat. Armand Van Helden
• I Love London (In Flagranti Vintage Mix) – Crystal Fighters
• Ain't Nothing Like You (Hoochie Coo) – BlakRoc
• People Say – Portugal. The Man
• Go Get It (AC Slater Remix) – Sepalot
• Ploy (First Burn) – Primary 1 with Polly Brown
• Fun That We Have – Julian Plenti
• Neon Disco (Autokratz Remix) – Disco Trash Music
• Come Out, Come Out – I Was Totally Destroying It
• Falling In Love – Galactik Knights
• My Heart (AU Remix) – Wildbirds and Peacedrums
• Theme of Palermo Disko Machine – Palermo Disko Machine
• It’s True – Mr Russia
• Shame on Me (Yuksek Remix) – Amanda Blank
• Folksong Oblivion – The Phantom Band
• Salt Air (Jupiter Remix) – Chew Lips
• Change of Heart – El Perro Del Mar
• What You Need – Priors
• Zombie A-Go-Go – Captain Clegg and the Night Creatures
• Miracle (Grum Remix) – Tommy Sparks
• The Cure – Tegan & Sara
• Set Me Free (Louis La Roche Reconstruction) – Phonat
• Under Your Spell – Desire
• Jerk It – Thunderheist
• Liztomania – Phoenix
• Black and White (Caspa Remix) – Miike Snow
• Jak – Volcano Suns
• Calabria (Hot Pink Delorean Remix) – Enur feat. Natasja
• Theme of Palermo Disko Machine – Palermo Disko Machine
• It’s True – Mr Russia
• Shame on Me (Yuksek Remix) – Amanda Blank
• Folksong Oblivion – The Phantom Band
• Salt Air (Jupiter Remix) – Chew Lips
• Change of Heart – El Perro Del Mar
• What You Need – Priors
• Zombie A-Go-Go – Captain Clegg and the Night Creatures
• Miracle (Grum Remix) – Tommy Sparks
• The Cure – Tegan & Sara
• Set Me Free (Louis La Roche Reconstruction) – Phonat
• Under Your Spell – Desire
• Jerk It – Thunderheist
• Liztomania – Phoenix
• Black and White (Caspa Remix) – Miike Snow
• Jak – Volcano Suns
• Calabria (Hot Pink Delorean Remix) – Enur feat. Natasja
• Alice - Sunn O)))

Bugged

It must be a day for mildly distasteful encounters with creepy crawlies.

While on the train this morning I felt something tickling the back of my neck, so I felt around and removed what I thought was a lump of grit or fluff.

Then the lump walked down my finger.

It was a ladybird, one with a "fuck you" attitude.

A few minutes ago, Emma opened a sealed pack of pitta breads, which turned out to be the home of a fat fly. Yummy!

Bum war

We're a bad influence on children, me and Emma; we've taught a stupendously daft game to various young 'uns in our family.

It's called bum war, the name being a play on thumb war - and like that battle of opposable digits, our shenanigans begin with a declaration: "One, two, three, four! I declare a bum war!" (The original call was, "Bum war! It's a bum war!")

The two combatants, standing back-to-back and bending slightly at the waist, then attempt to push the each other over using only the power of their rumps. This involves much slamming together of arse cheeks, staggering and giggling.

It's a sort of buttocky sumo, which often ends in one or more people toppling over in worring proximity to sharply cornered or easily breakable objects/furniture.

Number of injuries so far: zero.

Potential for injuries in the future: massive.

Change of plan

Phil from sales and I met this morning in the office kitchenette, where we discussed our plans for the weekend.

His involved little more than drinking with mates: the sort of thing I used to do most Saturdays when, like Phil, I was in my 20s.

"Now I'm older and married," I said, "and I go to relatives' 50th birthday parties".

"It's like you're already dead," he mock-snarled.

Wee encounter

I was in a Madison Avenue diner last week, waiting to use the single cubicle reserved for gents.

The door opened and a small, middle-aged woman emerged. She saw me glance at the little sign indicating that this was the bog for blokes.

"I know!" she squawked in a thick Noo Yawk accent. "Don't even go there!"

Perhaps I should've raised a fuss, just to see if she'd say, "Talk to the hand".

Come again

During my days as a reporter in Sheffield, I palmed off a couple of no-longer-wanted grumble mags on to my friend and colleague Andrew.

He was particularly taken with a photo set of a saucy minx stripping off her maid's outfit.

"I've been getting the cleaner in quite a lot," he admitted on the bus one afternoon. "But..."

I guessed what he was gonna say, so I was already chortling as he finished, "...she always leaves a mess behind".

Strapping approach

The Daily Mirror, as its regular readers will know, features one-word straplines above its shorter stories and NIBs.

Take this morning's edition for instance: "arrest" appears over the headline "Brit OAP in flat murder"; "troops" accompanies "Obama: no Afghan exit".

I first noticed this house style a couple of years ago, one fantastic day when the straps were things like "crime", "epidemic", "rescue", "war", "death" - and then, several pages in, "milk".

Beer, blood and urine

I was having a few beers with a couple of lads from the ad sales department, Al and Phil. We were sharing tales of drunken shenanigans.

Phil related an incident of a night out in which, much the worse for wear, he returned to his drink after a trip to the bog and then noticed that the front of his strides were wet.

Has someone spilt their beer on me, he wondered, before realising that his crotch was soaked with his own urine. Naturally, he was mortified (at the time).

"Look on the bright side," I said. "Better it were piss than blood."

"Hey! Steady on!" exclaimed Al.